Jan 04 2009
The snake
I had discovered sex. While I learned new feel-good ways to touch myself, it brought along with it a slew of mental agonies.
You see, we were a Christian household. Not a strict bible-thumping sort, but was God loving and God fearing all the same. I was convinced I was to wait until marriage before committing any carnal acts. At the same time, I had a secret feeling that if someone or something were to take me against my will it would not count as me having committed a sin. After that ideas of demons and vampires became ever more seductive to me. This internal battle would rage on and become significant later in life. We’ll get there.
My first exposure to a male body was pretty innocent. A boy next door and I ended up in his garage naked and checking out the differences. There was no touching. The opposite sex still had cooties. He was satisfied that he had learned something useful and went back to play with other boys again. I wondered when boys started looking like the ones in the magazines. I wanted to practice kissing. I wanted someone else to touch me. I was aware that boys were off limits. I never received any such warning about girls.
I remember once my parents took me along to visit some friends with a daughter my age. We got along well, and after an afternoon of getting filthy outside we were thrown into the tub together. She was deeply tanned and I found her pretty. My memory has her starting the experimenting, but it may have been me. We agreed to figure out the best way to rub our young mounds together to create pleasing sensations. It ended up being too slippery, and we found a way to sit and use each others legs instead. I think this was the only time I ever hung out with this girl, but she had helped me into a new stage of learning. Other girls were as curious as I was! I did not have to feel the guilt of being with a boy. Maybe because in porn mags girls were with girls as often as with men it never occurred to me that there was anything unusual about it. I thought women were more beautiful, anyway. I never heard any sort of negativity towards homosexuality, and didn’t even realize there was a name for it. I went on kissing, touching, and rubbing with girls happily until 5th grade.
I was playing with a black girl down the road from my house. We were practicing our french kisses and doing the familiar leg-humping when her mother caught us. I still remember the screaming. Thankfully my parents were not told, but from that day the girl and I never spoke again. I was old enough now to realize that girls were not supposed to be with girls, and guys with guys. It was not socially accepted. I began to learn that there was a small and elite “culture” of gay people. I was fascinated. Thankfully my parents were never the hateful sort, so while I kept my desires a secret, I was never actually afraid of their acceptance. I was more worried about the other kids.
I was very aware that I was developing faster than everyone else, and that my interests were not of the norm. It was not just being into girls. There was the lure of the dark. Being bound, being bitten, the supernatural. Looking back on things I liked growing up I can see where some of these things came from. Movies like Labyrinth, Sleeping Beauty, Lost Boys, and Legend were favorites. My hair-metal music choices often spoke of things I wanted far better than the bubblegum music popular with others my age. I felt very alone.
Thankfully I wouldn’t be for long.
What songs and movies do you think inspired your current romantic and sexual interests? When did you start experimenting with others in that sort of ‘playing doctor’ way?
Not surprisingly, I was a bubblegum pop kinda girl lol. I was happy and romantic and didn’t think of sexual things without the context of love. I watched Disney all the time (still do), and it instilled in me that “fairy tale romance” mentality. No one had sex, so I usually didn’t think about it at all.
I was always kind of a loner child. Anytime people “played doctor” or exposed themselves, for whatever reason, it embarrassed me. Two of my younger cousins used to do that a lot. And I went to an all girls sleepover with a friend of mine once where there was random nudity and comparing. I wanted to leave early because I was so uncomfortable.
My first boyfriend and I were each other’s first everything. Naturally, we thought we were gonna be together always. I had the mindset that people stayed together, there was only supposed to be one, so this must be mine, which is why my “wait until marriage” pretense fell. That and being a “goody two shoes” all the time had finally started to get to me. My friends were talking about things I didn’t understand, and starting to mock me for being so “innocent”. It’s dumb, but hey… everyone cracks some time.
After I got a boyfriend is when other people started to notice me (of course), because I was becoming more confident and social. That was when I started becoming the flirt that I am today. I still believed the fairy tale thing and expected some grand random meeting and wonderful things to happen because of it, which is why I cheated on my boyfriend. Sexual acts started to become a bit less meaningful for me then, but I still to this day feel bad when there is no feeling behind it. I have passed up a lot of awesome opportunites because of this lol.
Sorry, I talk a lot. But yeah… Disney, romantic comedies… explains a lot.
to be honest I’ve never really had a “playing doctor” moment… at least not that I can remember… everything was really repressed… I do clearly remember movies growning up that would initiate my submissive side… none coming to mind of course… but the idea of a “slave” to something much more dominant was there from an early age.
Seven was about the time I “woke up” as well. And, like you, I found my dad’s Playboys and often snuck into the bedroom, shimmied under the bed, and looked at them. I, too, had “playing doctor” moments with girls in my apartment building, and we were caught by her mother. For some reason, thinking back on these things really embarrasses me, and throughout middle school I began to think that I was a horrible, dirty person. Puberty was probably the worst time of my life.
As for films, I remember one that my friend’s dad had. He LOVED the band Kiss, and had a concert tour tape or something. I remember a scene with the band in the lounge with a bunch of half-naked girls. There wasn’t anything explicitly sexual in the video, but for some reason that’s the scene that stands out the strongest out of every movie we watched together.